Building Connection Through Time-Tested Strategies
Stepparenting is a rewarding endeavor that can also be challenging. Successful stepparents understand that building trust with stepchildren requires enormous patience, humility, and empathy. Most stepchildren come with at least some feelings of distrust and possibly trauma. That means trust must be earned, not assumed.
At the Love and Logic Institute, we’ve spent over four decades helping parents and stepparents navigate these complexities using time-tested, relationship-building strategies grounded in the science of trust.
These tools aren’t quick fixes or overnight solutions. They’re slow, steady, and rooted in respect.
Why Trust is the Foundation of Successful Stepfamilies?
At the heart of every strong relationship is a foundation of trust. Trust develops over time as kids learn:
- This person is not trying to manipulate me
- I am safe with this person—physically and emotionally
- This person loves me, even on my worst day
- This person won’t abandon me
The First Three Steppingstones of Trust
Below are the first three of seven “Steppingstones of Trust” designed to help you build deep, lasting connections with your stepchildren (and even your own children).
Steppingstone 1: Know That Trust Can’t Be Rushed
Kids, like adults, come with different personalities and past experiences. For some stepchildren, building trust may take weeks; for others, it may take years. A story from my son explains it best:
“Some kids are like dogs. If you pet them, they lick you. But other kids are like cats. If you run up to them, they run away. But when you sit quietly, they eventually come over and rub all over you.”
When we push too hard for a connection, it often stems from our own desire to feel accepted rather than their need to feel safe. Step-relationships need room to breathe and grow at their own pace.
Steppingstone 2: Listen to the Heartbeat
When adults describe positive experiences with stepparents, a common theme emerges: “They really listened to me.” These stepparents validated their stepchildren’s emotions—not by fixing problems or giving lectures—but simply by listening with empathy and without judgment.
This doesn’t mean condoning unhealthy behavior. It means creating a space where kids feel emotionally safe enough to open up. When stepchildren know their feelings are heard and respected, they are more likely to listen in return.
Steppingstone 3: Prove That Your Promises Are Gold
Keeping promises is Parenting 101, but stepparenting raises the stakes. Broken promises, even small ones, can reinforce fears of abandonment or rejection. And it’s not just about promising a trip to the park. Limits themselves are promises. When we say, “This is the rule,” we’re making a commitment to enforce it.
Love and Logic teaches us to avoid power struggles by setting limits around our own behavior rather than commanding the child. For example:
“I’m happy to drive you to your friend’s house once your chores are done.”
This approach respects the child’s freedom to choose while making it clear that we mean what we say. Over time, children learn to trust and respect the stepparent whose “yes” always means “yes” and whose “no” always means “no.”
Stay Tuned for Part 2: The Remaining Steppingstones of Trust
In next week’s blog, we’ll explore the remaining four Steppingstones of Trust:
- Steppingstone 4: Share control within limits
- Steppingstone 5: Provide sincere empathy
- Steppingstone 6: Make them part of the team
- Steppingstone 7: Break bread daily
Additional Resources
For more stepparenting guidance, check out our ebook, Stepparenting: Keeping It Sane. This practical resource offers realistic, time-tested solutions for the challenges of stepparenting and will help you build stronger, more respectful relationships within your family.
Thanks for reading!
