Whether we are parents or teachers, many of us have struggled with strong-willed children. These kids seem to challenge our authority at every turn, especially when we mistakenly believe we have control. What often begins as a small disagreement can quickly turn into a power struggle that leaves adults feeling exhausted and defeated.
In contrast, strong-willed children often appear energized by the conflict. They can even escalate their behavior in response to our emotional reactions, which only intensifies the struggle. Strong-willed kids may be testing us to see whether we’re consistent, secure, and capable of being the loving authority figures they need. In many cases, they are searching for someone who sets firm limits without losing their cool.
Why Do Strong-Willed Kids Challenge Authority?
Strong-willed kids often want to know where the boundaries are and whether the adults in their life will remain calm and consistent when challenged. Their testing can actually be a search for security and loving leadership.
What’s the Difference Between Control and a Wish?
A key insight from Love and Logic is the distinction between what we can truly control versus what we wish we can control. When we attempt to control something beyond our sphere of influence, that is simply a wish. When something is entirely within our ability to enforce, even if the other person becomes very resistant, then we truly have control.
For example, if you tell a teenager to stop yelling, you might wish they would listen, but odds are their voice will get louder. However, we can control access to the privileges we provide for them, such as the use of the family car or participation in a special event.
How Can We Set Limits Without a Fight?
Rather than demanding compliance or trying to force obedience, we can communicate boundaries through enforceable statements. Instead of saying, “You better talk to me with respect,” you can say instead, “I provide rides for kids who treat me with respect.” With this approach you maintain control and the child learns that respectful behavior earns access to privileges.
Just because we have control doesn’t mean we should always exercise it. Wise parents and teachers understand that allowing children to make choices—and even fail at times—is a critical part of learning. It’s far better for kids to experience manageable consequences while they’re young rather than to make costly mistakes later in life when the stakes are much higher.
How Can We Build Stronger Relationships While Holding Firm?
Strong relationships don’t come from controlling kids, they come from guiding them with empathy, consistency, and calm leadership. The real magic of Love and Logic is that it can help adults avoid power struggles while building trust and respect.
To all parents and teachers, I greatly appreciate what you do. You care about kids, and you dedicate your life to them. Our audio, Nobody Wins a Power Struggle: Avoiding Battles that Ruin Relationships and Lead to Rebellion, is an excellent resource that can help you avoid power struggles with the kids in your life.
Thanks for reading!
