When Parenting Stress Leads to Anger and Guilt
At times parents become so overwhelmed that they lose their temper even with their own kids. A mom once shared with me that she lost her temper with her young child, felt enormous guilt afterwards, and worried about what she might have done. Tears gushed out of her eyes as she made this painful admission:
“I was so angry that I wanted to scream. In fact, I did! I screamed at my three-year-old! I knew it was wrong, which made me feel even more out of control. I was so mad I almost slapped her. Driving home from the store, I felt more and more guilty and afraid. ‘What if she makes me so mad that I really lose it?’ I wondered, ‘Maybe I don’t have what it takes to be a parent.’”
Have you ever found yourself yelling at your kids? I have. In fact, I have found there is nothing more humbling than raising kids. That’s why I often admit to my audiences, “I used to be a parenting expert. That is—until I had children.”
Why Losing Our Temper Can Feel So Frightening
Parenting is truly one of the hardest jobs. Because we are human, it is normal for us to lose our patience and yell. It is also normal to feel guilty afterwards, because we genuinely care about our kids and want to be the best parent possible for them. Understanding that parents are human and have normal human emotions and reactions, Love and Logic developed techniques that can help in the heat of the moment, when we experience parenting stress and begin to feel we are losing control. Here are three insights for imperfect parents trying to raise good kids in our complicated and stressful world.
Three Insights for Parents When Emotions Run High
1. It’s Okay to Delay the Consequence—and Our Reaction
I often wonder how many cases of serious child abuse have been at least partially caused by parents hearing that “consequences must always come immediately.” Even parents with toddler-aged tykes have commented, “It’s such a relief to know that I can take some time to get calmed down before I deal with a situation.”
Does it take some pressure off to know that you can say the following?
Ohhhhhhhh, I’m going to have to do something about that, but not now—later.
2. It’s Okay to Feel Anger. It Can Remind Us to Be “Sad Rather Than Mad.”
The mom above shared how she learned a powerful mental tool for transforming her parenting anger into a helpful reminder.
“From Love and Logic, I learned that I’m not crazy just because I sometimes get mad at my kids. I learned to use my thoughts and feelings of anger as a signal to say to myself, ‘sad rather than mad…sad rather than mad…sad rather than mad.’ I still get angry sometimes, but I’m learning to come across with empathy more frequently than I do with anger.”
3. It’s Okay to Take Care of Ourselves by Setting Limits
For several decades, a myth has pervaded the culture of American parenting: It’s a parent’s job to make sure their children are always comfortable and happy. Because of this deception, many well-meaning parents become overwhelmed by trying to raise their kids with an emotionally empty gas tank. It really is okay to say to our kids:
I love you and I’m willing to do __________ when I see that you are acting respectfully.
When parenting stress starts to build, knowing how to pause instead of react can change everything. Because this issue is so important, we developed the audio, Love and Logic Magic: When Kids Drain Your Energy, which introduces a simple way to calmly signal that misbehavior creates a problem to be handled later—often preventing power struggles and helping kids stop themselves before emotions boil over.
Thanks for reading!
