Why “Calm down!” usually backfires
It is one of the greatest tragedies of humanity. Increasingly we find ourselves surrounded by upset children and adults. And upset people usually do not appreciate all our great wisdom and advice. That is because upset people's brains are too busy being upset. When we drop all our amazing wisdom on an emotionally flooded brain, we are attempting to reason with a person who is blinded by emotional rage.
And how well does that usually go? We end up being frustrated or even angry and then we usually make the situation worse.
Reduce stimulus by saying less
When children become highly emotional, the hardest (and most important) thing for parents to do is stop talking (or yelling over them so much). One of the basic techniques of de-escalation is reducing stimulus. Yet, in stressful interactions most people do just the opposite and talk too much or too loudly. How often have you yelled “Calm down!!!” and have it truly work as intended.
Space, time, empathy, and understanding
Things go much better if we can become quiet and breathe, and allow space and time to work their magic. That's what a really upset person needs - space, time, empathy and understanding. Unfortunately, what our kids often get from their stressed parents is impatience and the opposite of empathy. Sure, we should expect our kids to learn how to control themselves, but when they are obviously overwhelmed with emotion, it is better to help them regulate their emotions before we talk about what happened or what needs to happen.
Practice calming skills before you need them
We've had good luck with everyone practicing how to calm down. For example, kids can practice things like taking deep breaths, balancing on one foot, or repeating helpful phrases. The key is to practice when we are calm so that we can respond appropriately when we start to get upset. Doing it together also sets a good example for our kids!
Be calm first
The most important thing to remember when dealing with people who are not calm is that the worst thing to do is to add stress to the situation. If you want things to be calm and peaceful, how does it help to demand that the other upset person calm down right now? In fact, that approach will only add fuel to the fire.
Instead, the best thing to do is take a few moments and breathe. Nice and slow. Let time work its wonders and get yourself into a calmer, thinking state. Whenever you find yourself thinking, “They need to calm down,” then tell yourself that you need to be calm first.
When we are calm, our ability to think rationally will increase and the chances that the other person will truly understand what we are saying will increase as well.
When emotions run high, staying calm and leading with empathy can make all the difference. Our audio, Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up, shows adults how to stay grounded, respond with empathy, and help kids regulate their emotions before small problems escalate.
Thanks for reading!
