Dr. Foster Cline, the co-founder of Love and Logic with Jim Fay, had many brilliant insights that helped create the Love and Logic approach. His presentations over the years offered one brilliant piece of advice after another. One of our favorites is,
“Every childhood mistake handled well can become a learning experience. Every childhood mistake handled poorly can become the source of resentment.”
That single insight captures one of the most important principles in parenting.
Two Possible Reactions to the Same Mistake
Imagine yourself in this situation: You are a child and you “borrowed” your dad’s cordless drill—a very useful and expensive tool. You left it out in the driveway overnight, and now it’s missing. After finally getting up the nerve to admit this to your father. There are two possible ways that your dad might respond to hearing what you did.
A typical reaction by a dad upon hearing that his valuable tool has been carelessly lost would be frustration and even anger. Suppose that your dad, with an angry tone of voice, replies, “That was really stupid! What in the world were you thinking? How many times have I told you to leave my things alone? This is the kind of thing that really makes me mad! If you don’t find the drill, you’re going to be grounded for two weeks, and I mean it!”
How does that make you feel? If this happens to be your dad’s typical reaction, how many repetitions of these types of interactions need to take place before you build resentments? How much learning takes place when you see him as the source of your bad feelings? With these kinds of reactions, a child will often feel attacked and threatened and will respond emotionally with fear and defensiveness. In our view, this misses the opportunity for healthy learning.
A Different Way: Empathy and Natural Consequences
Now consider a different reaction. What if he says, “Wow! I bet you feel pretty bad about that. I was planning to do some repair work next weekend and I’ll need that drill back or I’m going to need a replacement. Let me know how you’re going to solve that. Give me a hug.”
How are you feeling at this moment? What are your feelings toward your dad? Are you mad at your dad or yourself? What kind of learning could take place? This response by the dad uses empathy and natural consequences. Instead of anger, it communicates understanding. Instead of punishment, it hands the problem back to the child in a respectful way. This is how to teach responsibility to kids without damaging the adult-child relationship.
Turning Mistakes Into Responsibility
We have seen the Love and Logic approach transform parent-child relationships by turning parents into mentors and childhood mistakes into opportunities for genuine learning and responsibility.
For a deeper look at how to turn everyday mistakes into lasting responsibility, listen to our audio Four Steps to Responsibility: Techniques to Lead Children to Responsible Decision Making. You’ll learn how to use empathy, natural consequences, and clear expectations to guide children toward ownership of their choices—without damaging your relationship.
Thanks for reading!
