Is it okay to hold kids accountable for their misbehavior, or is this an old-fashioned concept that no longer applies to raising kids in today’s world? We at Love and Love have always taught the same thing: Hope and pray for affordable mistakes, provide a strong and sincere dose of loving empathy when mistakes happen, and then allow logical or natural consequences to do the teaching.
Love and Logic parents give unconditional love and dignity to their kids and provide opportunities for them to make small mistakes. That’s the “love” in Love and Logic. The “logic” develops inside the child’s heart and mind when they discover that the quality of one’s choices largely determines the quality of one’s life. This approach prepares kids for the real world—one where choices matter.
Do Choices Really Matter in Parenting?
Children thrive when they feel unconditionally loved, treated with dignity and respect, and feel it is safe to make mistakes and learn from them. When kids experience consequences in a loving environment, responsibility grows from the inside out.
When Consequences Are Labeled as “Harmful”
I remember the first time I heard someone say it was cruel to give kids consequences. While speaking at a parenting seminar, a mother shared a troubling experience. Her 16-year-old daughter had been sending inappropriate images using her cellphone. The mother believed it was necessary to take away the phone as a consequence. Her daughter’s therapist strongly disagreed, warning that removing the phone would be “too upsetting.”
The Rise of a No-Consequences Approach
In the past few years, a no-consequences approach to parenting has gained popularity. Its message is simple:
- Consequences—even loving ones—are harmful
- Emotional needs should replace accountability
- Behavior will improve if kids just feel understood
There are some truths here. Strong relationships do reduce misbehavior and empathy matters. However, this approach leaves out something critical.
The Reality Kids Will Eventually Face
No matter how loving we are as parents, the real world operates on consequences.
The choice parents face is simple:
- Teach kids that choices matter while they are young and mistakes are small
- Or, allow the world to teach that lesson later, when consequences are far more painful
Love and Logic is not about punishment, it’s about letting consequences teach responsibility.
Pay Now or Pay Later: Why Accountability Is Loving
When parents avoid accountability, they don’t eliminate consequences, they postpone them. In the example above, the mother chose loving accountability. She told her daughter:
- “I love you.”
- “I’m not comfortable providing a phone that’s being used in unsafe ways.”
She later reflected, “I don’t know how anyone raises a responsible child without accountability.” Her response wasn’t harsh. It was calm, empathetic, and firm, which is exactly what her daughter needed.
Preparing Kids for the Real World
Here’s the question every parent must answer: Are we preparing our kids for a world that doesn’t exist—or the one they’ll actually live in? At Love and Logic, we believe children are strongest when they grow up knowing that:
- They are deeply loved
- Their choices matter
- Mistakes are opportunities to learn
That’s how we raise responsible children who are ready for life.
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