There are few things more disheartening and frustrating for parents than seeing their children not take responsibility for their schoolwork and even failing to earn the sorts of grades they’re capable of making. The natural reaction for many parents is to jump into the lecture, threat, and punishment mode by saying things like:
“What sort of college do you think you’re going to get into with those grades?”
“If you don’t start applying yourself, you can forget about going out for soccer.”
“That’s it! You’re grounded until you bring those grades up!”
Sometimes this works, but usually only for a short time. If your child continues to neglect schoolwork, and these types of traditional techniques have not worked for you, it’s very likely that you have a power struggle on your hands.
We believe parents can overcome power struggles and homework battles by focusing on character instead of homework and grades. No matter how hard we try, we can’t force kids to learn. Parents must learn to let go of what they can’t control and focus on what they can control, which is building a healthy relationship with their kids and allowing them to make mistakes so that they can learn.
Remember Who Owns the Responsibility
The first thing to remember is that the responsibility for a child’s grades belongs to the child, not to the parent. Although it’s easy to blame ourselves when kids perform poorly, it’s very important for our mental health, and for the mental health of our kids, to remember the following points.
- We can’t do the learning for our children.
- Many highly accomplished individuals faced academic challenges in their youth.
- Always respond with genuine empathy and understanding.
Here are two examples of typical parental responses delivered with anger and frustration, each contrasted with alternative Love and Logic responses delivered with empathy.
A typical parenting response:
“Look at these grades! These are unacceptable!”
A Love and Logic parenting response:
“Oh man! I bet these grades are really disappointing for you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help. The good news is that this doesn’t change the way I feel about you.”
A typical parenting response:
“How many times have I told you to get your homework done, and you ignored me! I am sick and tired of reminding you! You are grounded!”
A Love and Logic parenting response:
“Oh man. I can understand getting too busy to remember to do your homework. What do you think you can do to help you remember your homework? Let me know if you want some ideas.”
When parents lead with empathy instead of anger, they reduce power struggles and open the door for problem-solving. Over time, children who are treated with empathy and support learn from natural consequences to be responsible for their decisions and behavior.
This topic is so close to my heart that I wrote a book about it, From Bad Grades to a Great Life! Unlocking the Mystery of Achievement for Your Child. In it, I share practical strategies for inspiring kids to take responsibility for their academic performance — helping them do their best not just in school, but in all areas of life.
Thanks for reading!
