Everyone is stressed these days, especially parents. Parenting during difficult times can be so overwhelming that simple, daily activities feel like insurmountable challenges. When everyone is feeling this way and kids start whining, parents can feel their energy draining away.
Do you know any kids who create great discomfort for everyone around them just by using a certain tone of voice? Some kids have mastered a whiny tone that can act like a cheese grater on raw nerves. Whining can send us over the edge and cause what we call “skill slippage.”
If parents don’t handle whining effectively, then eventually two things can happen. First, parents can become so frustrated that they start whining about the whining, which simply reinforces whining behavior. In addition, if parents give in to whining and give kids what they want, then they teach them that whining works.
Why Kids Whine and Complain
What can we do when our kids whine? First, it helps to remember that whining and complaining is just a kid’s way of trying to get something. In the real world, this is usually not an effective approach. Love and Logic parents strive to model real world dynamics for kids, so they can grow into responsible adults who can easily adapt to the real world.
The Energy Drain Technique for Whining
Many Love and Logic parents have had great success using natural consequences and the Love and Logic Generic Consequence, also known as the Energy Drain Technique. The next time you find yourself stumped by whining, or any other behavior that drains your energy, use the Energy Drain Technique! Here are the steps:
Step #1: Say with empathy, “When you _________, it really drains my energy. We’ll talk about this later.”
Step #2: Give yourself some time to calm down and think.
Step #3: Ask your child how they plan to replace the energy they drained.
Kids can replace energy by doing extra chores, staying home while you rest, hiring themselves a babysitter, cooking dinner, etc.
Step #4: Give them a deadline for “energy replacement,” and enforce it if they forget or refuse.
Some parents find it necessary to take away a toy or do an “automatic allowance withdrawal” if their energy isn’t replaced by the deadline.
Using the Energy Drain Technique in Real Life
One mother described how she used the Love and Logic Energy Drain technique with her six-year-old daughter (a champion whiner) for a few weeks and the whining all but disappeared. Whenever the daughter started whining, her mother would inhale slowly and say, “Oh, it just drains my energy to hear that. Let’s talk later.” When she spoke to her daughter later, she would give her a couple of options for putting the energy back: “Some kids decide to do the dusting while their mom takes a rest. Other kids decide to put their mom’s energy back by straightening the bookshelf. You can decide.”
If the daughter decides not to put energy back by doing a chore, then the mother can wait until her daughter needs some of the mother’s energy—such as when she’s asked to take her daughter to a friend’s house. The mother would say, “Oh, I’m sad to say I used up all my driving energy listening to all that whining. Maybe next time I’ll have the energy to take you.”
Learn More About Handling Whining
For more on handling whining and other challenging behaviors, check out our audio title, Love and Logic Magic When Kids Drain Your Energy.
You’ll learn how to respond with empathy, avoid power struggles, and follow through in ways that help kids take responsibility—whether it’s whining, arguing, or not listening—so those moments become opportunities for learning instead of frustration.
Thanks for reading!
