Sometimes parents get so exasperated with their teenagers that they shout things like, “That’s not the way we do things in this house!” Those could be the words of parents frustrated by their teen’s growing need for independence or a teen trying to establish their own identity. Either way, the words reflect an all too common battle of wills between parents and teens.
As teens grow up, they naturally begin to develop values and identities of their own. One of the greatest gifts we can give them is the opportunity to become responsible adults. This means giving them enough room to make their own decisions and live with the consequences.
The more we try to control our teens, the more they will try to assert themselves. There is no way to guarantee that teens will make wise choices. We can raise the odds by offering our thoughts and love and helping them understand the consequences of serious mistakes. Here are some ways parents can reduce power struggles and help their teens develop responsibility.
Keep Communication Open With Teens
When teens find themselves in difficult situations, it can help to talk with a nonjudgmental adult. Being a good listener does not mean you approve of your teen’s actions. However, the more we listen with empathy, the more likely they are to think through their decisions.
Limit Criticism and Restrictions
When we are too critical or restrictive, teens often become defensive. They may spend more time defending themselves than thinking about their choices and the possible consequences. Wise parents focus more on helping their teens consider their options than simply restricting their activities.
Make Enforceable Rules for Teens
Parents are left powerless when they make rules they cannot enforce. Effective rules focus on things parents can actually control rather than depending on a teenager’s cooperation. Grounding is a common example of an unenforceable rule that many teens refuse to follow.
Let Consequences Teach
It is tempting to rescue our teens from mistakes, but they can learn valuable lessons by living with the consequences of their choices. Wise parents respond with empathy instead of anger and allow those consequences to do the teaching.
For example, teens with poor driving records can be required to pay for their own car insurance if they want to continue driving the family car. Parents might choose to pay the premiums when teens get good grades, do their chores, and treat them with respect.
The Love and Logic approach is to let consequences be the “bad guy” so parents can remain the “good guy” and avoid unnecessary battles and power struggles.
When teens push back, it’s easy for everyday disagreements to turn into power struggles. In our new audio, Defiance: What Really Works, you will learn how to respond calmly, reduce arguing, and set limits in ways that encourage responsibility rather than more resistance.
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