Parents often call wondering why their kids don’t listen. Many have experienced giving their children a "good talking to" with little or no positive results. This is unfortunate because usually parents not only have good intentions, they also have good advice to share. The barrier to communication is that the child is not in an emotional state that allows listening and thinking about their parent’s wisdom.
Why Kids Stop Listening
There can be many reasons that a child has become emotional and is not in a thinking mode. Effective parents learn how to recognize when their child is not in an emotional state that will allow a rational conversation. They also recognize that they can avoid creating this barrier by the way that they approach the conversation with their child.
Often the emotional state of a child during a conversation is determined by what the parent says and, perhaps more importantly, by how the parent says it. When parents use an angry tone of voice while lecturing their children, they trigger the fight, flight, or freeze response. The child’s prefrontal cortex, the thinking part of the brain, is shut down, which either causes an argument or leaves parents feeling like they are talking to a wall.
Timing Matters More Than Words
Words used with our kids during emotional times are wasted. They are either never heard or are turned against us. We all have difficulty listening during emotional times. It's natural, at times like these, to focus most of our thoughts upon the emotions rather than the words being spoken. As a result, we remember the other person's anger better than we remember the words.
Use Empathy Instead of Anger
A Simple Example at the Dinner Table
A child at the dinner table who is not eating and who is complaining about the food provides a good example. Reminders in this case seem to do little good.
One parent might handle it by using angry-sounding words like, "What's wrong with you? Don't you come to the table with that attitude. You quit that complaining," or "I'll really give you something to complain about!" My guess here is that the child is thinking a lot about the adult's anger and little about the wisdom of eating a good meal.
Use empathy with actions. Another parent might replace those angry words and, with genuine empathy, say, “I’ll be picking up the food and dishes in five minutes. I hope by then you will have eaten all you need to hold you until breakfast.” Nothing is said if the youngster does not eat. The words are saved for a time when the child will be better able to listen.
It's obvious that the child will be hungry later and say, "I'm hungry. What can I have?" This wise parent knows that the youngster will learn more when few words are used and they say empathetically: “I bet you are. That's what happens to me when I miss my dinner. I bet you'll be anxious for breakfast. Don't worry. We'll cook a good one.”
This parent chose to save the words for a time when the child was in the thinking state rather than in the emotional state.
Choose the Right Moment to Teach
Our goal is to help parents raise strong, responsible, and resilient kids. If you'd like to strengthen communication with your child and encourage healthy behaviors, listen to our new audio, Raising Strong and Loving Kids: Good News: You Don't Have to Be Perfect, and discover Love and Logic ideas that can help build stronger family relationships.
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