Many children misbehave in desperate attempts to get their parents to set limits. It is almost as if they were trying to say, "Don't you love me? How bad do I have to act before you will set some limits for me?" But parents will succeed with limits only if they learn to set them properly.
The Problem with Setting Limits
Parents often find that setting limits backfires and don’t know why. A major part of the reason is that children fight the limits to see if their parents are firm enough to provide security. They test us by saying that we are mean or that we don't love them. It is easy to become confused at this point and change the limits. That is the last thing children really need.
Setting Limits with Love and Logic
The most common mistake with setting limits is to give orders. Orders do not set limits; they encourage battles. Limits are most successful when set by offering choices. We suggest setting limits using "thinking words" instead of "fighting words."
Thinking Words Versus Fighting Words
Thinking words change the dynamic of interactions with our kids from confrontational to collaborative. This approach can be especially effective with defiant children. Consider the following order: "I've called you to dinner three times already! You get in here and eat your dinner!" It encourages the child to be late just to test the limits.
Instead, try saying, "I'm serving dinner in five minutes. Hope you join us. If not, breakfast will be at the regular time." This leaves the youngster with much more to think about, such as, "It doesn't sound as if I’ll get a special meal if I'm late." Most parents are pleasantly surprised at the results when they describe what they, the parents, will do, instead of telling kids what they should or shouldn’t do. Here are some more examples that contrast fighting words with alternative thinking words:
Fighting words: "You're not going to talk to me like that in my own house!”
Thinking words: "I'd be willing to listen to you about that when your voice is as calm as mine."
Fighting words: "I'm not giving you any more allowance just because you wasted yours already!"
Thinking words: "Don't worry, sweetie. You'll have some money when your usual allowance comes on Saturday."
Setting limits can be one of the most loving things we do for our kids, especially when those limits are delivered without anger, threats, or lectures. In our audio, The Gift of Limits you will learn how to make boundaries clear and enforceable while giving kids room to think, choose, and learn.
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