The greatest gift we can give our children is the knowledge that they can rely on themselves for the answers to their problems. A child who develops an attitude that says, "I can probably find my own solutions, and if not, adults will be willing to give me some advice," becomes a survivor. This child usually has an edge in learning, in relating to others, in being responsible, and in making their way in the world.
People often ask us how they can support their children to ensure they excel. This often means, "What can I do to make sure my child gets ahead or is a winner?" Sometimes it means, "What can I do to help my child be successful, feel secure, and lead a happy life?" It doesn't matter which question is asked. The answer is the same.
The foundation for success lies in the belief that the best solution to any problem comes from within. Then if you don't find the answer, ask others for advice.
Help Kids Find Their Own Solutions
Parents and teachers can help children develop this attitude by being understanding and sympathetic each time a child has a problem. This can be expressed in a variety of ways:
"I bet that really bothers you."
"Wow! I bet that makes you feel mad."
"If that happened to me, I would really feel..."
These statements usually bring about a response that shows the child is relieved that we understand. As soon as we see that response, it's time to ask one of the most important questions children ever hear: "What do you think you are going to do about it?" This is a powerful statement because it implies that we know the child is capable of doing his or her own thinking.
This question is often answered by, "I don't know." This is a good time to offer some possible solutions. Discuss the consequences of each option with the child and then allow them to choose the solution they like best, even if they decide not to solve the problem.
Resist the Urge to Rescue
Children have too few opportunities to learn and practice how the real world works. These opportunities often come in the form of problems to solve or decisions to make. Each time parents step in to solve the problem or rescue the child, they have stolen one of the child's growth experiences. The child is less prepared to face the real world than if their parent had responded with understanding and asked, "What are you going to do about it?"
Five Steps for Raising Self Reliant Kids
Here are Love and Logic’s essential steps for helping kids learn how to solve problems on their own:
- Show understanding.
- Ask, "How are you going to solve the problem?"
- Share some choices.
- Help them look at the consequences.
- Give the child permission to solve it or not solve it.
Helping parents raise responsible, self reliant kids is a primary goal of Love and Logic. Learn how to encourage greater independence, confidence, and responsibility in our audio, Four Steps to Responsibility.
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