Barking orders, making demands, and lecturing are characteristic behaviors of drill sergeant parents. These parents try to command and direct the lives of their children, often with anger.
The implicit message a drill sergeant sends is, “I'm angry with you! You can’t think, so I have to do your thinking for you!” These parents tend to avoid giving children opportunities to make decisions on their own and learn from their mistakes.
Jim Fay, in his classic book, How to Discipline Kids without Losing Their Love and Respect, emphasizes avoiding anger in The First Rule of Love and Logic:
Adults take good care of themselves by setting limits
WITHOUT ANGER, LECTURES, THREATS, OR REPEATED WARNINGS.
Why Anger Doesn't Work with Kids
Anger, threats, and lectures rarely work with children. Understanding how our brains work can give parents valuable insights into why anger fails and why Love and Logic techniques work.
The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain where thinking takes place. The limbic system is where the “fight, flight, or freeze” response resides. When anger triggers this defensive response, our ability to think rationally can shut down as we prepare to fight, flee, or freeze. Using empathy instead of anger is a key component of Love and Logic techniques and is based on this understanding of how the brain works.
Why Empathy Works Better Than Anger
Parents need to combine consequences with empathy, not anger, lectures, or threats. Delivering consequences in a loving, firm tone isn't always easy, but it works when done properly and consistently.
Find an Empathetic Response That Works for You
Do you have an empathetic response ready when your kid does something really upsetting? Most people don’t. I’ve learned over the years that people who consistently replace anger with empathy use very few words when it comes to disciplining. In fact, they often rely on just one empathetic response that is unique to them, feels comfortable, and doesn’t sound phony. They keep it on the tip of their tongue and use it every single time they need to discipline their kids. Here are some examples:
“Oh, that’s never good.”
“How sad.”
Many Love and Logic principles, concepts, and techniques also apply to relationships between adults. Anger, demands, and lectures are no more effective with adults than they are with children. Many parents discover that the same techniques they use with their kids can also improve their interactions with other adults. Treating others with empathy and understanding is far more effective than anger and lecturing.
Treating your kids with empathy and respect will also help them grow into strong and loving adults. If you struggle to stay calm when parenting gets difficult, our audio, Keeping Cool When Parenting Heats Up, can help you manage challenging moments, communicate more effectively, and respond with empathy instead of anger.
Thanks for reading!
