Jim Fay, who is a co-founder of Love and Logic and is also my father, struggled in school when he was growing up. This was a great concern to his mother. Being a loving and caring parent, she became very involved in helping him improve. This meant spending a lot of time with him after school drilling him on his reading and math.
His dad also got involved, making sure Jim read every night and encouraging him to choose books over comic books. He believed traditional books would help Jim become a more serious and focused student.
As Jim looks back on it, he understands that his parents were doing what they believed was best for him. They loved him deeply and made many sacrifices, especially with their time.
Unfortunately, Jim didn't always experience their efforts as expressions of love. Like many kids, he sometimes felt insecure and looked for reassurance that his parents loved and accepted him. He especially valued their smiles, eye contact, and affection. But with so much attention focused on his schoolwork, those moments of connection often took a back seat.
As a result, Jim began to believe that love and acceptance depended on how well he performed. This mistaken belief stayed with him for many years.
What Jim Learned From Students Facing Challenges
Years ago, Jim interviewed high school students who were working to overcome substance use problems. He asked them, “Is there anything the adults in your life could have done to help you avoid this problem?”
Their answers resonated strongly with Jim. The students shared that they often felt recognized and valued only when they succeeded in school. Because they weren't top students, they felt overlooked and began to question whether their parents loved and accepted them for who they were.
They all also said that because they were not top students, they began to feel left out. They felt it would have been easier for them if there had been at least one person who showed love and acceptance, regardless of their abilities and achievements.
Why Unconditional Love Matters
Jim thinks that his parents could have made their love clearer to him while helping him improve his schoolwork. It might have been better if they had told Jim they were helping so they could feel good about their own responsibilities and so he would feel good about himself.
He could have heard a strong message about their love if they had told him it would still be there even when he was having trouble in school. Additional help might have resulted if they had been more relaxed about his schoolwork and made more time for some smiles and hugs.
Jim now knows that the children who have the most difficulty in school are the ones who most need parents who say, "Let's forget about school now that you are home. We can love and enjoy you regardless of your school problems." This helps children "recharge" their batteries so they can feel stronger and more willing to go back and try it again.
The principles and techniques of Love and Logic were inspired partly by Jim’s childhood experiences and how he later came to understand the critical importance of unconditional love for children. These principles include not using anger, lectures or threats with kids, and expressing empathy before delivering any consequences. It is also reflected in how we recommend that parents address their children’s academic performance—supporting them with empathy regardless of the grades.
As Jim's story reminds us, even the most loving parents can sometimes lose sight of what their kids need most. We don't have to be perfect, but we can learn to respond in ways that strengthen our relationships and help our kids grow. In my new audio, Raising Strong and Loving Kids, I share insights to help you put parenting into perspective.
Thanks for reading!
Dr. Charles Fay
